In seeking the Light

When I kept silent about my sin, my body wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night Thy hand was heavy upon me. My vitality was drained away as with the fever heat of summer– Psalm 32:3-4

And my Bible says that God is a changeless God, and yet it seemed that without explanation, He suddenly had become terribly indifferent. This God of mine who had promised never to leave or forsake, appeared now to be playing some cruel form of hide and seek. No matter how diligently I sought Him, He was nowhere to be found.

“Lord, all my desire is before Thee; and my sighing is not hidden from Thee. My heart throbs, my strength  fails me; and the light of my eyes even that has gone from me” Psalm 38: 9-10

I plead to the Highness and the Almighty, to the gods and the unknown…

The Book of Job: He is sitting in a pile of ashes, smitten from head to foot with boils, scraping his body with a scrap of pottery. 3:1-he curses the day he was born. He proceeds to describe life as “darkness” and “gloom” . 3:5-and “blackness” and “terror”. 3:9-he calls it night without dawn. 3:11-he wishes he died at birth. 3:21-he longs for a death that does not come. He describes his unrelenting agony by stating ‘the carousals of the Almighty are within me; they prison my spirit drink; 6:4-the terrors of God are arrayed against me”.

It is impossible for those who have never been depressed to fully understand the deep, perplexing pain that depression causes. We appeared healthy, without bandages and without crutches. There were no visible scars, no bleeding, and yet there was that endless, indefinable pain that no doctors` probing finger could locate. No doping could totally relieve. There was always  pain and along with it, the desire for oblivion. A totality of restless sleep.


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